We tried swinging about a year ago now, but that’s not what this story is about. (Don’t worry, there will be several other posts where I get into the details on that adventure.) Today, I want to share our sexual routine with you. I didn’t quite realize that I even had a sexual routine until we started swinging and talking to other people candidly about our sex lives — which is why, even if you’re not interested in going down the swinging path, I believe that at least talking with your closest friends about sex is insanely important. Sex is — or in my opinion, should be — a huge part of your relationships and lives, and what better way to improve than to run your ideas by others? Sexual exploration begins in the mind, after all.
Anyways, now that I’ve unloaded that philosophy on you, back to today’s message. Before we got totally naked with our new friends, they asked us the intriguing question, “How do you guys usually do it?”
Before we got totally naked with our new friends, they asked us the intriguing question,
“How do you guys usually do it?”
Have you ever thought about that before? Have you ever tried to answer that succinctly and yet honestly to a new person? It requires you to think back on the gamut of intercourse that you’ve had over the course of the last main phase of your life and come up with an average. Sure, there are going to be phases where you deviated from the norm. For us, that includes the four pregnancies and even the years of breastfeeding new babies — those were unique situations that we kept getting ourselves into. There are also times where we do it more than normal, with more intensity or ferocity.
Upon reflection, though, there is a routine that has become ideal for us when we are feeling “normal,” when we’re just at status quo. Those sessions definitely have a discernible pattern, an ebb and flow that make sex predictable and comforting in the best of ways, yet still allow us room for experimentation, growth, and revelations. It’s definitely a routine, not a rut.
Let me put it this way — you can get stuck in a rut with food, or you can enjoy the routine of eating meals. I might be part foodie in some twisted way, so bear with me while I make another food analogy — you’ll find them all over this blog, I’m sure.
Just as an amazing meal has its flow, so too does sex with a beloved partner. Jack and I used to go out to eat all the time back when we were young, before the expense of having four kids and a gamut of allergies took that activity out of our repertoire. Family meals are still a big thing in both of our families at the holidays, and when it’s a special occasion at home, I do find myself steering the family through a well-planned family meal. The best way that I can describe our routine sex life is that it defaults to a restaurant or special occasion meal.
We begin with the planning. For shared meals, you might ask your partner, “Where do you want to eat tonight?” or “What kind of food are you in the mood for?” Jack and I begin sex with what we now call our “sexual negotiations,” thanks to this episode of Sexplanations. Really, this just means that you start thinking about how you want to have sex that day, and share it with your partner. What are you willing to do? What do you want to do? What are you not in the mood for? What can you compromise on? What time do you want to start at, and what time do you need to be done by? Are there any special considerations to take into account…such as if I’m on my period or if one of us has a cold sore?
It’s not a turn off for us to plan things out — quite the opposite.
It plants the seeds in our minds and bodies for the fun to come.
Sex is a mind game.
Yeah, we talk about all of that. Some people are shocked by that, but honestly I’m shocked that more people don’t talk about all that! Spontaneity is lovely when it happens, but it’s not a sustainable, long term plan. Having everything out in the open and planned out makes it so that amazing things are even more likely to happen. It’s not a turn off for us to plan things out — quite the opposite. It plants the seeds in our minds and bodies for the fun to come. Sex is a mind game. Talking about sex together gets our mind in the game. Just like with planning where to eat out for the next meal, working through the pertinent details of where to go and what you’re in the mood for sets the scene so that everyone has a rough idea of what to expect, and you can ensure that everyone is going to have a good time.
So you make your plans, and you look forward to them until they come into fruition. We might plan ahead as far as a day or two, but we continue talking about our plans up until they can’t possibly be changed any more. For us, that means that since it’s typically just the two of us relying on before-bedtime fun, plans could possibly change up to the last moment. Constant communication is key, and it can build anticipation. Enjoy it!
When you finally get to the restaurant sex spot, you already have an idea of what the experience is going to be like. I really enjoy my appetizers and pre-dinner drinks, so to speak, and we spend a lot of time enjoying that part of the meal. We usually plan to spend a large portion of our dining experience on the part leading up to the “meal.” For those of you that hate metaphors, I’ll be crystal clear. Appetizers are foreplay.
Our sex has a menu, too. We mostly keep this menu locked up in our brains, but it can be quite titillating to write it down and really see your possibilities. Our menu of choices typically includes cunnilingus, fingering, vibrator or sex toy play, getting tied up and “tortured,” nipple play, massage, blowjobs, butt plugs, sucking/kissing his balls, spanking, costumes, and some role play. We have our favorites, of course, but it’s nice to have a lot of choices.
Our menu of choices typically includes cunnilingus, fingering, vibrator or sex toy play, getting tied up and “tortured,” nipple play, massage, blowjobs, butt plugs, sucking/kissing his balls, spanking, costumes, and some role play.
We have our favorites, of course, but it’s nice to have a lot of choices.
I’m an indecisive woman. I might decide on a restaurant with one particular thing in mind, or a particular vibe that I want to instill, but I often don’t really know what I want to order until I get there. During sex, I let Jack make the initial suggestions, then I either veto or get on board with his ideas. After a couple of “bites” of one appetizer, I can usually decide if I’m feeling it or not. And if not, we move on to something else. If I like it, I say so and we forge on ahead. Often, I order several different appetizers before I’m satisfied and ready to move on to the meal.
I’m one of those people that enjoy appetizers about as much as I enjoy my dessert…but not quite as much, which gives me the motivation to continue onto the meal, knowing what’s to come at the very end.
I like to order my meal after I’ve completely finished all my appetizers. Honestly, I’m often not sure of exactly how I’ll want it until I see how my body responds to the appetizers. Will I be tired and worn out? Will I be energized? Where will my mind be? For us, the “meal” part of sex is when we move on to actual intercourse. Like most men, Jack enjoys the meal more and by the third or fourth course of appetizers is eager to get on with it. During this phase of our meal, I enjoy lighter but ever-so-pleasing G-spot and clitoral stimulation than I had during foreplay. It gives me a chance to recover and it gives Jack a chance to thrust and prepare his body for dessert, too.
The meals vary. Sometimes, we’re actually quite quick about our meals, eager to get to dessert, especially if we really loaded up on appetizers that day. Sometimes the meals are long, drawn out, relaxing yet intense. Sometimes our meals are akin to workouts, and we often have to take water breaks to “make room” for more. We switch positions for optimal digestion. Sometimes we go back and pick at our appetizers or sip at our drinks for a bit more before finishing our meals, but usually we only deviate from our routine in this way when we feel like we have a lot of time on our hands. Since we know our favorite restaurant well, we always have those handful of meals that are sure-things, guaranteed to satisfy. When the chef is having a good day, it shows, and our favorites are extra delicious. We savor those precious bites.
Since we know our favorite “restaurant” well, we always have those handful of meals that are sure-things, guaranteed to satisfy.
Most days, or in our case nights, our meals lead down that predictable, efficient path to the dark chocolate-drenched cherry on top. I always eat my dessert before Jack. I can have twenty orgasms during foreplay and intercourse, of all different types, but my true dessert is the orgasm that I get at the end. You know, the one that is aptly named “the little death,” the one that nearly takes you over the wall and into the next world, where your mind is free, clear, and elevated. I can often do this twice, if Jack keeps thrusting just right in the missionary position, penetrating me while his groin rubs against my clit, hard, my hands grabbing his ass and guiding him just where I need to be. If I focus, I can get there three times; four is almost excessive. Then, I’m spent.
And then, it’s Jack’s turn. He likes to get into a new position for his dessert, often watching us in the floor length mirror that’s hung in our bedroom. We put our sex blanket/towel on the floor and climb on, both of us facing the mirror while he thrusts from behind. I watch us and, in my clear head, let my own thoughts and observations take hold of me. I am returning back to “normal” as I watch my husband enter his place of ecstasy.
It’s like he’s eating ice cream — the real kind, fresh from the cows — for the first time in a long time. Never mind that we probably did this two nights ago; he nearly seems to forget just how good it is until he has it again. It’s so good for him that it’s painful, but he works through the brain freeze to enjoy every morsel before it melts away.
We are both tired and happy when our meal is done. We’re ready to lay down, relax, chat. We clean ourselves and the room up, tidying while we reminisce about our favorite parts. We agree that tomorrow we have to “take it easy,” but there are no regrets. We are so grateful for the meal that we’ve just shared together.
That’s our meal, our routine, our ceremony. How do you celebrate your love?
