This is our beginner BDSM, including why bondage and discipline may just be perfect for busy married moms like me who need to get over shame and focus on sex.
Truth be told, I’ve always been into BDSM.
There are various aspects to BDSM, as you may find out if you do a quick Google search just to figure out what the acronym stands for: Bondage & Discipline / Domination & Submission / Sadism & Masochism.
I didn’t know what BDSM stood for or what it was, exactly, when I first noticed that this type of sexual behavior aroused me. Was it when I first happened upon this type of porn in the early days of the Internet, during my impressionable teen years? Or did I search for this type of porn because this was a default fantasy in my late night teen masturbation sessions? I’m not sure what came first, the porn or the fantasies, but I do have distinct recollections of fantasizing about being tied up, or displayed, or submitting myself to the whims of a dominant.
Then I started dating in the typical high school fashion, fooling around in the typical high school way with guys here and there, until just a couple years into the scene I met Jack. If you’re familiar with my story, you know that we were inseparable from the start and charged with sexual passion. Yet it would still be years of fooling around in the back of his car and in our college dorms until we finally married and even began to dabble in BDSM within our relationship.
Getting started with BDSM: Take 1
Our first foray into anything BDSM related began with me shyly buying some bondage ties from a sex toy sales representative at a friend’s bachelorette party. While everyone else was picking out vibrators and foreplay card games, I was going straight for the kill. I knew what turned me on and I was eager to invest in some of the tools of the trade. I took the ties home and presented them to Jack, who happily complied. We dabbled.
I also fed my fantasies with literature (probably not shocking if you remember that I’m a librarian). On a trip to San Francisco early in our marriage, I ventured into a bookstore where I would never run into anyone that I knew. I found the erotica section and purchased a copy of the first book in Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty Trilogy. Back in our hotel room, I enjoyed my arousal as I eagerly consumed the book. I didn’t share all the details of the story with Jack, but needless to say, he approved of the outcome.
However, BDSM still didn’t become a part of my own sex life just yet. Getting tied up on occasion was fun, as was reading BDSM erotica (I can also thank the Literotica website for fueling my imagination), but I didn’t know how to talk to Jack about exactly what turned me on. There was more that I craved…and then suddenly, I wasn’t interested. I was pregnant.
An interlude…
Pregnancy was difficult for me, and my libido plummeted. I didn’t feel like myself; I felt consumed by my giant belly on my tiny frame. I was sick and I was huge. And I did it four times.
My sexual awakening began two years after my last baby. Suddenly, I felt sexy again. I shed the weight and I was (finally) done breastfeeding. I smoked some pot and found a sense of self. I was turned on and ready to explore.
I was also a grown woman now, not a teenage girl and not a blushing newlywed bride. Jack and I began to communicate very openly about what exactly turned on us. We talked about bringing other people into our sex life. I found myself becoming very direct about what I like (“I like it when you guide my head during blowjobs”) and what I don’t (“Don’t twist my nipples that hard repeatedly”).
I found myself becoming very direct about what I like
(“I like it when you guide my head during blowjobs”)
and what I don’t
(“Don’t twist my nipples that hard repeatedly”).
Getting started with BDSM: Take 2
I began to talk to Jack about my interest in exploring BDSM, too. He does not have the same innate interest in BDSM that I do, so I found that I have to be very clear in terms of what it is that I want. I also have to be very patient — there is a lot to learn! I feel very lucky that Jack listens to my desires with an open mind. When I first brought up a website of products to show Jack just what I had in mind, he viewed the page with scrutiny and then grabbed my hand. “I guess I do like BDSM,” he winked as he placed my hand on his crotch, his boner easy to feel through his jeans.
Picking out some BDSM equipment together turned out to be a turn on in itself. Jack and I purchased bed restraints, a crop, a blindfold, a ball gag, and nipple clamps to get us started. Also some butt plugs, but those were also to prep for anal sex. Pretty mild in terms of BDSM play, I know, but it’s amazing how aroused I got over just those simple props.
Sex Shame? Perel to the Rescue!
And then, in the midst of our BDSM exploration, something else crept in — shame. There I would be, tied up and getting wet just from that pose alone, when an annoying voice in my head would question my arousal. Was it wrong that I was turned on by this? Weren’t women in real life tied up against their will, forced into sexual slavery? Was I sick in the head to get turned on by this when real women suffered from this fate? I also got turned on just thinking about myself as my husband’s sexual submissive. Wasn’t I all about equal rights for women…how did submitting to my husband sexually fall into that schema? Needless to say, none of these thoughts helped me get into the mood. Buzz kill.
Thank goodness for smart sex-positive experts, therapists, and psychologists like Esther Perel. (Librarians love finding an expert and a book, let me tell you.) In her book, Mating in Captivity, Perel assures her readers that they can dismiss these nagging thoughts during sex, BDSM included. Sex is separate from other aspects of life; sex is play for adults. Your sexual or erotic self is a separate part of you, it’s your “eros.” Embrace the desire you feel when you play with what turns you on.
It can be a relief to relinquish power during sex. In fact, BDSM seems like the a perfect sex solution for busy moms like me.
Perel reassured me that enjoying BDSM doesn’t make me a submissive in real life, nor does it mean I endorse sexual slavery. It means that I trust my partner enough to submit to him on my terms. It’s playing with power, she writes. For someone like me, who has a position of power at work (I’m kind of a boss) and at home (I’m the breadwinner as well as the Mom), it can be a relief to relinquish power during sex. In fact, BDSM seems like the a perfect sex solution for busy moms like me.
Shifting My Mindset
There are several aspects to BDSM that are a real turn on for me, but my favorite is probably the dynamics of a dominant and submissive relationship. I have found that I love the mindset of submitting to Jack. I begin a BDSM session by switching my mind into submissive mode. I am his; he knows what I consent to because we communicate about this ahead of time (it’s really an ongoing, constant stream of communication in our relationship). I trust him to make all the decisions, and I consent to submitting. I accept the pleasure and (light) pain that he inflicts upon me. I release myself from decision making. And there is nothing that helps me focus more during sex than not having to think about real life or real decisions. I just get to be my sexual self.
I release myself from decision making. And there is nothing that helps me focus more during sex than not having to think about real life or real decisions. I just get to be my sexual self.
When we’re not having sex, Jack and I communicate constantly and work hard at our marriage and family. We are companions and friends as well as lovers, and we express our love and affection in our own ways.
I know that Jack cares about me deeply — he’s a chatterbox, and he verbally compliments me to no end throughout the day. He tells me what he likes about my outfits in detail. He flatters my intelligence. He demonstrates his commitment and love by asking exactly how he can make me happy or help me several times a day — “Would you like it if I loaded the dishwasher now?” “Do you want me to vacuum or take the dogs for a walk?” “What time would be best for me to work out today?”
The introvert in me will never be able to match Jack’s level of attentiveness. My female friends are jealous yet applaud my amazing husband. My male friends tell me to never tell their wives about him, afraid that they’ll be held up to his high standards. Yup, I’m a lucky woman, and I know it.
Yet I don’t always enjoy sweet, loving sex. Why is it that Jack’s affable behavior doesn’t do it for me in the bedroom? Why is it that when he asks me what I want and if it’s good for me, I get turned off? Why does being massaged make me feel sleepy more often than sexy? Esther Perel helped me understand this, too. She says that in order to really get aroused and feel desire, I need to separate the intimate from the erotic. Only then does sex become playtime for me. During BDSM, my mind shifts from good wife and mom to sex slave or his little slut. I become my sexual self. Instead of worrying about cleaning up the basement, I focus on pleasing my mister with my mouth.
I like it when Jack is aggressive during sex. Perhaps I enjoy it because he’s not physically aggressive, at least with other humans (but if he’s frustrated fixing a household object, however, you can be sure that pipe/wood/whatever will be dented in at least one spot by the time he’s done). When he’s a little “mean”, and I’m the object of his sexual desire, I feel desirable, erotic. It deeply arouses me. This is normal, too, according to Perel. She reiterates in various examples in her book that it’s simply not arousing to be cushy and comfortable, safe and intimate. Those feelings make me sleepy, not sexy.
Take me, Jack — pin me down, flip me around, and fuck me.
Tie me up and tease me with a vibrator until it feels like torture.
Force my head on your cock and grab my hair, rough.
Spank me if I’m not doing it how you like it.
Make rules for me to follow, and punish me if I break them.
It’s not always easy for me to embrace the dominant and submissive mindset, though. My life is complicated. There’s a lot to think about always and I’m an overthinker.
Enter…props!
Another thing that I love about BDSM is the emphasis on accessories. The props help me get into my sexually submissive mindset. Bondage is the obvious one, with ties and ropes and cuffs that physically force me to accept whatever Jack offers. Blindfolds help me focus on the sensation of touch, and nipple clamps and butt plugs keep me keenly aware of my other sensual body parts and vulnerability. I have a long list of other toys that I’d like to explore, too, as we continue on this journey.
And it’s definitely a journey. One thing that I’ve become aware of about myself is that I’m not just a perfectionist, I’m one of those full-steam-ahead perfectionists that wants everything to be perfect now. House projects? I want them done in no more than a weekend. Starting a blog? Obsess about getting everything perfect for a launch asap. BDSM? I expect full throttle dominant and submissive play tonight. But in reality, everything takes time, and I am trying to be patient and relish my BDSM exploration. We’re really only getting started with BDSM. I feel like we’ve only dipped our toes in, and there is much to explore, but that’s a good thing, right? It’ll keep us busy in the bedroom.
Coming Attractions
I want more toys and props. I want Jack to adopt a more dominant attitude during play. I want to role play within our BDSM. I want to wear a leather harness and I want to be gagged. I want to do some of the pose play that I saw on Kink Academy. I want to be a better submissive, maybe a little humiliated by him, even, venturing into masochism. I want to completely feel like his little slut and do a better job respecting him as my dominant. I want to stand up more, move around more, and lay down like a pillow-princess less. I want more creativity and less of the same rushed let’s-get-to-sleep-before-10pm play. I want to be disciplined.
But I have a confession to make. After about 20-30 minutes of playing, we break character. We rarely play all the way until we are both done and satisfied with sex. It’s usually me — I suddenly am done orgasming from all the stimulation and mind play, the towels are soaked, and I want just one more orgasm. I want my dessert orgasm(s), the mind-blowing, out-of-body, ethereal orgasm(s) that I get from him on top of me in the missionary position or me riding on top of him.
I think of this grand finale as my ultimate clitoral orgasm, and the truth is that I enjoy them more when we’re not role playing. There’s something nice about knowing I can get that amazing orgasm from just being me with him. After I get my dessert, I almost always encourage him to finish. We’re usually tired anyway…I mean, come on, we have four kids. We get up at 6am even on weekends.
I know that we have a lot to learn about BDSM to properly play. We love learning new things, so that’s not a problem for us — except to find the time. We had planned on attending Kink Workshops at Hedo last summer, until the pandemic led us to cancel our trip. Until then, we’ll be exploring online, reading stories, watching porn, and looking at pictures and products. Kink Academy could keep us busy for a year…their website is never-ending, and they have podcasts, too!
As we continue to learn together, I know we will enjoy practicing our new tricks, too. We’ll communicate with each other about our likes and dislikes, our wants and willings and won’ts. And I’ll share them all here with you.