If you ask me, Jack and I have an amazing sex life, but it’s not without its challenges, too. Notably, these challenges stem from the direct results of our sex life…our children. Not only do they cause us stress, anxiety, and worry on the daily, they also take up nearly every moment of our lives, from breakfast to bedtime snacks. Oh, there’s joy, there’s laughter, and there’s love and fun, too…but when it comes to sex, they’re little cockblocks.
Spontaneous, daytime sex is a distant memory for us. I know some couples that put on a movie for their kids and sneak up to the bedroom to enjoy a nooner, but I have too much trouble shifting gears from Mom to Vixen for that kind of behavior. I simply can’t go from worrying about one kids’s anxiety and another kid’s grades and the possibility of the youngest writing all over my furniture to the best way to orgasm in the shower. Jack doesn’t have the same problem, but he’s respectful of my orgasms, so he waits for night to fall and my mind to get in the game.
I’m here today to tell you about our nighttime routine, which also incorporates our coital activities. It’s the answer to the question that I so often get when I talk about how often we have sex — which is about 3-4 nights a week — “When do you find the time to do that?!”
It’s the answer to the question that I so often get when I talk about how often we have sex — which is about 3-4 nights a week — “When do you find the time to do that?!”
From the kids’ perspectives, we like to get to sleep early and wake up early., so we have a standing rule that we are all confined to our respective bedrooms no later than 8:30pm on weeknights and 9pm on weekends. This rule gives our youngest kids the opportunity to get a good night’s sleep and it gives our older kids the flexibility to stay up a little later to read or play on their own. And it gives us alone time as a couple every night to see where that might lead. If the kids suspect anything, they haven’t mentioned it, and that’s just fine by us.
With four kids getting tucked in to bed in four separate bedrooms (we’re lucky, I know), the bedtime routine usually begins no later than 8pm — actually, 7pm if you count showers, getting the little ones into their pajamas, brushing through hair, snacks, and an episode of a favorite TV show to wind down the kids. Then, we dole out toothpaste and escort the youngest ones to their rooms, where we itch backs and sing songs, give kisses and reflect on our day. Finally, we say goodnight to the last one, put away a few more stray items into the dishwasher, and head to our own bedroom. Our santuary.
In all honesty, there are many parts of me that hate this bedttime routine. I was a night owl for years, but I’m changing. Fake it till you make it, right? I’m getting there. But a part of me still wants to stay up late and enjoy my quiet kitchen with my husband over a glass of wine. So I overcompensate by setting up our bedroom to alter my mindset.
I like to think of our bedroom as a retreat, like a little hotel room at a quaint Bed and Bath. When we set up our space and began enforcing our bedtime, we considered our needs from 8:30pm until bedtime. Do we go to sleep at 8:30? Never. We shoot for 10pm, to accommodate Jack’s early bird tendencies; I admit that waking up early has some distinct advantages and gives me the opportunity to enjoy that quiet kitchen, albeit over oatmeal rather than wine. So, knowing that we will be spending at least an hour or two awake in our room every night, we carefully chose what to include and how to decorate our space to make it enticing to us. If you build it…we will cum? Bad sex joke, sorry (not sorry).
So, knowing that we will be spending at least an hour or two awake in our room every night, we carefully chose what to include and how to decorate our space to make it enticing to us. If you build it…we will cum?
First up is the decorating, which I covered <in this post>. Jack and I are both Type A all the way, so our room is not only clean with everything in its place, but also carefully designed so that only the stuff we need and nothing else is included within its walls. I, especially, am very sensitive to the environment around me. It can make or break my mood, so I make sure that my bedroom environment is set up just so.
I am all about cleanliness and organization, but how do we keep the space from becoming a disaster zone, covered in kid toys and crayon marks on the walls? Simple enough in theory — we do not allow our kids to play in our room or mess with our things. They’ve been trained that this is our space only, and they can only be in our room by invitation. Likewise, we try to give them the same respect for their bedrooms and insist that they don’t go uninvited into the other kids’ rooms, too. This rule sets our room apart as a distinct space just for us. We’re not perfect; kids barge in complaining and crying throughout the day as we are putting away laundry or getting ready for work. However, the theme is that they’re visitors in our space — this is not another playspace option for them.
Our room is set up for the activities that we enjoy doing in there together. I’m not just talking about sexual activites; for every 3-4 nights that we have sex each week, there are 3-4 night that we don’t have sex! On our off nights, we still keep with our routine, which is precisely what makes it a routine.
Once we’re locked in our rooms, I typically go around implementing the finishing touches. I light candles and fill the diffuser, adding some oils. I turn on my space heater. I lay out my outfit for the next day and put away the clothes I wore that day. I turn down the bed, arranging our pillows and blanket for the night’s activities. If we’re having sex, unlock the <sex toy drawer> and toss a towel on the bed. If I’m choosing to indulge and haven’t already, I pop into Jack’s closet and take a toke, blowing the smoke out the window.
We are lucky to have our own master bathroom connected to our bedroom, so once we retreat to our bedroom at 8:30ish, we are there for the night. We don’t eat in our bedroom (a win for our waistline) so no need to worry about food or drinks other than water or the occasional glass of wine or tea, which we simply bring up from the kitchen. We officially close out the eating chapters of the day by brushing our teeth together, side by side at our double sinks. Then, it’s time for some action.
Yoga is one of our popular bedroom activities, day or night. Jack prefers to do it at nighttime, probably because instead of squeezing my thighs into yoga pants I do something even better in his eyes: I’ll lay one of my favorite towels down on my yoga mat for protection while I strip down for nude yoga.
Yup, that’s right. Nude yoga. It’s a little weird at first, but you get used to it.
Yup, that’s right. Nude yoga. It’s a little weird at first, but you get used to it. Everyone looks a little odd when they’re naked, as I’ve witnessed at multiple nude resorts, so really it’s not such a shocker to see your body contorted in the mirror doing a nude downward dog. It’s just a body. Plus, yoga feels pretty amazing without anything riding up or pinching in. I highly recommend it, but beware where you’re putting your lady bits and butt. That’s what the towel is for.
Nude yoga usually leads to sex, too, so beware. On the nights that I know we won’t be having sex, we choose our yoga clothes and videos carefully so as not to entice Jack too much. Our off nights are fantastic opportunities for some meditative yoga in sweats.
To be fair, though, we always get naked in the end, because our birthday suits are also our pajamas. We gave up on wearing clothes to bed years ago.
On other off nights, we’re spent. You know those nights where you couldn’t possibily lift a finger, let alone get revved up for a ride on your man? Those are the nights that we cuddle up in bed and watch a movie. If you told me that we’d take this course years ago, I would have vehemently denied the possibility. I used to be that girl that eschewed a television in the bedroom, but that was then and now…we’re different, and we have different lives. Our bedroom, being the hotel room setup that we’ve chosen it to be, needs a TV.
We used the TV just for yoga at first. Our room is unsually big compared to the rest of the rooms in our home, so it’s one of the only places with enough clear floor space to lay two yoga mats side by side. Since we use yoga videos to guide us, we’d bring up a laptop each time. When we found ourselves with an extra television after some rearranging downstairs, we decided to bring up the extra to our bedroom to connect to the videos without having to lug the laptop up with us. Since it was there, already, we thought…why not give a movie a try?
I’m sure you’ve heard the old saying that a television in the bedroom will kill your sex life, and depending on what kind of sex life you have and how much TV you like to watch, that could be true.
I’m sure you’ve heard the old saying that a television in the bedroom will kill your sex life, and depending on what kind of sex life you have and how much TV you like to watch, that could be true. We, however, started off with a sex life that, if anything, needed to be tamed just a bit. And our television habit was previously to watch a part of a movie or a shorter show in the living room or basement, which we did only sporadically. On the nights we did stay downstairs to watch TV, I would find it so hard to turn the TV off and trudge upstairs.
Having TV time in our room at night makes the transition easier for me. We both get 99% ready for bed, sans the last trip to the bathroom, and then cuddle up naked in the covers together to watch whatever we want — sometimes a short sitcom, other times a full movie, once in awhile an ethically sourced porno. Documentaries in particular are extremely calming at night. Then, unless we take the porn option, we pee once more and it’s lights out. Easy peasy.
We do sneak downstairs on occasion to skinny dip in our hot tub. We have big white hotel robes that hang on hooks on our bathroom door, and when we need to warm up or have screen-free, uninterrupted time to talk and look at the night sky, we donn these robes and trek on out. After the tub time, we head immediately back upstairs to rinse the chemicals off our body. It’s quite comparable to going down to the hotel pool late at night, except that we always skinny dip at home. Once in awhile, when it’s too cold to venture outdoors in the middle of winter, we cuddle up in our jacuzzi tub instead.
Communication is key in any relationship, and I credit the strength of our relationship to our willingness to open up to each other one hundred percent, on a daily basis.
On other nights, we just talk. Well, to be fair, we’re always talking. Communication is key in any relationship, and I credit the strength of our relationship to our willingness to open up to each other one hundred percent, on a daily basis. Jack in particular talks nonstop; I sometimes require some quiet time for processing before I’m ready to give my thoughts in detail. Jack is pretty good about respecting this trait of mine, and he’s rewarded with some intense conversation regularly.
I often have thoughts and ideas at night, naked in my bedroom with Jack, that I don’t want to forget the next day. We have sticky notes and writing utensils in at least three different spots throughout our room for quick notes; other nights, I get even more inspired and scribe multiple pages in a journal. When Jack sees me writing in there, he steps back and lets me work until I’m finished. Then, he’s dying to know what I was thinking, and I tell him. This usually leads to more jots and thoughts, and that’s just one reason why I love him. He pushes me to think; he’s my muse.
Our intercourse is often planned, but once in awhile, alone together in our room, one thing leads to another and we go for it, despite the fact that we just did it the day before. That’s what all this alone time is for, after all — whatever it takes to solidify our marriage and our relationship. Plus, sex is an essential stress reliever. There are only a handful of times where our sex sessions together haven’t left me feeling more confident, more relaxed, and more ready for bed than before. It’s the ultimate part of our bedtime routine, and it’s got a sort of routine in itself.
Now, this entire bedtime routine isn’t without its struggles. Once in awhile, I resist my self-imposed structure, wanting instead to stay up late downstairs, maybe for a movie on the big screen with a big bowl of popcorn. Sometimes we have friends over or go out…well, before COVID sent us all home. On occasion, I like to let the kids stay up late for a long movie or have sleepovers in the basement (though usually I regret this when they wake up cranky the next day or, worse, behave horrendously when they finally do get sent to bed).
The best vacations from our routine are our travels (again, pre-COVID). When we don’t leave the state, our best date nights are when we can send all four kids to the grandparents’ houses overnight. Then, we like to combine all of our favorite nighttime activities, starting early, like at 6pm. Yoga, hot tub, sex, movie, talking — we do it all, in any order we want! Usually while high and drunk. It’s the little things…the “luxuries” that we can’t afford when parenting our four rascals. Our time together is our time, and unless we’re getting together with friends that we both truly like spending time with, we want to be one hundred percent ourselves. That usually means we’re still in bed long before 11pm and up early the next day.
A routine becomes a routine, and as hard as it is to peel myself out of bed at 6am every morning, I like my life better when everything is in its place. That’s my motivation. I want to be the best wife, the best mom, and the best woman that I can be. I want to be the best version of myself, so that I can have the best version of my life that I possibly can. So if that means exerting a little willpower to get myself to bed on time, and then up on time, so be it. It’s the groundwork for my daily grind.
Sexual wellness is a part of my routine; routines themselves are a hallmark of wellness.
Most pertinent to this blog, my routine builds in time for sex with my husband on a regular basis. Sex is a chance for us to come together without (too many) words, but rather with actions and connections on a more soulful, raw, emotional level. After I get all worked up, that final orgasm calms me right down. Good sex builds up my confidence in all the arenas of my life. Sexual wellness is a part of my routine; routines themselves are a hallmark of wellness. This is one routine that I’m happy to say I’ve solidified and accepted in my life. What routines help you stay well?
